As someone who’s been rather frustrated at zero luck getting anyone to date me (albeit as a woman, which society craps on and treats as a loser even more than a guy who can’t get a date, but anyhoo), there’s just zero useful non-crappy advice out there for folks like us. It’s…
I want to start off saying I think you have a lot of good general advice here, and I hope folks will read it of they’re having issues.
That said, personally I’ve asked out a lot of people, and gotten the dreaded “you’re a nice girl but I only like you as a friend/see you as a sister” or some variation thereof every time. (Which of course leads into the dreaded “how do I get out of the friendzone” discussion, which is a whole other shitty ball of “this creepy loser is you because the friendzone doesn’t really exist and you’re bad and wrong for caring about being in it” wax that also leads to PUA/”The Rules” advice being popular for both sexes.)
The thing is, well, a couple of things
1) No one is entitled to a relationship. No one. That means some people are not going to get one. HOWEVER if you look at the amount of the population that ends up married? It’s the majority. The portion of the population that hasn’t had ANY relationships by the time they are 40? It is tiny. So tiny. In all likelihood if you ask enough people out you will get a date. I don’t want to blather out some cosmic lottery crap but there IS an element of randomness to things (If only because the selection of people you will meet in your lifetime is somewhat random — you obviously can’t meet all of the other 7 billion on planet Earth). Just. The element of randomness is INCREDIBLY in your favor if you want to look at the big overall numbers.
2) One blogger I follow — I think it was The Ferrett — said years ago that he heard a lot of people moaning that no one found them attractive and that it was getting to him because he was pretty sure what they ACTUALLY MEANT was ‘No one I want to find me attractive is finding me attractive’ and that unless somebody has gone to a biker bar with 100 bills taped over their nipples and screamed SOMEBODY DO ME and gotten no reaction then, well, you can’t claim the ‘no one will ever find me attractive’ card. I have some problems with his hypothesis (and I am probably not reciting as well in the retelling) — but at the time it was this huge eye opener for me. I was attractive to SOMEBODY out there. It was just a matter of finding the ven diagram overlap of People I Found Partnerworthy and People Who Find Me Partnerworthy. Finding that overlap can take time. You increase your chance with more exposure to people who have similar interest to you.
I can 100% promise you that - glancing at your blog, and seeing the photo you posted - somebody finds you attractive. But here I need to mention a tiny addenum to the bit above: People who find you attractive? Especially if they don’t know you well? Will rarely tell you of their own initiative unless circumstances set them up for it.
3) There is no such thing as a friendzone, because a friendzone implies that there was some point in that relationship when those people would have considered you viable romantic material. I can almost 100% promise you that if someone shot you down with the ole ‘I love you like a sister’ bit? They were letting you down gentle. Not to get all Studies Show here, but, if you look up the stuff on romantic attraction people will decide whether they want to do you or not in like the first 20 seconds of meeting you. Physical attraction happens or doesn’t happen INCREDIBLY quickly.
Emotional attraction can also happen quickly — way more quickly than people give it credit for. You can’t emotionally manipulate someone into being attracted to you.
Feeling frustrated because all the people you have the hots for don’t have the hots back? Totally acceptable. Lamenting that WOE IF ONLY THEY WERE NOT MY FRIENDS OR THERE WAS SOME MAGICAL BUTTON CONFIGURATION I COULD PUSH TO MAKE THEM LOVE ME? UHG I FRIEND THEM SO WELL WHY WON’T THEY LOVE ME? Not acceptable. When people complain about friendzone creepers they’re talking about the latter. Don’t make friends with people just to try and play some elaborate con game to get them to love you.
4) When you are attracted to someone tell them sooner rather than later. This will help you avoid “Friendzone” situations where you are basically being someone’s friend to try and get in their pants. If you know you like someone? And they aren’t in a relationship or have an incompatible orientation? Then tell them. Even if they ARE in a relationship or seem to have an incompatible orientation then tell them — but tell them casually, in a no-pressure way. Like you’re commenting on their eye color.
And then if you want to be their friend outside of having any chance of getting in their pants? Then be their friend. Do not mention pantsfeelings for them again. They KNOW you are into them now. Unless they are jerks or your relationship is weird it won’t make stuff awkward.
5) The thing about the PUA/The Rules that makes it gross is the assumption that A) people are entitled to have romantic relationships and that B) there is some way to just MAKE people have romantic relationships with you. That’s what makes it manipulative and icky.
There ISN’T a way to make someone love you. I’ve watched PUA people IRL. Their relationships inevitably collapse on them because eventually the people being manipulated figure out they’re being manipulated. The funny thing is the people they’re manipulating often have genuine feelings for them that would have come about WITHOUT THE MANIPULATION. All the PUA stuff did was make them talk to a lot of girls and engage in abusive behaviors — that yeah, sometimes DID get the girl’s initial attention.
But something like that isn’t something you can build a long term relationship on. You don’t get a YOU WIN screen and a gold medal when somebody commits to you. So often in our society we treat Getting Into A Relationship or Getting Engaged or Getting Married as the Final Condition where the story ends and it’s all roses and happily ever afters from thereon out. The truth is getting into a relationship, getting engaged, or getting married is only the BEGINNING of a relationship. It’s earliest, most delicate, baby moments. And if you poison it by not allowing that other human being their full autonomy? If you consider them a goal or a conquest instead of a full human being? Down that road lies breakup city, not a happy 50th anniversary spent with your badass best friend.
6) I know people who are lonely want to know what to do to fix that. And honestly, the answer boils down to A) meet a bunch of people to increase your odds of running into good matches (and put yourself in situations where there will be other people looking for matches, BUT don’t try and turn situations where there are not explicitly single people looking for matches into your personal dating service.) B) be willing to stick your neck out emotionally and get burned and C) work on making yourself into the type of person who it looks like it’ll be fun to hang out with for half a century to the type of person YOU’RE interested in with hanging out for half a century. ‘
Cause while the passion and squishy feelings are great they aren’t gonna be there 100% of the time. My fiance and I went shopping for underwear for him the other day. I assure you there were no sweeping romantic feelings involved though I WAS pleased to note that he wasn’t embarrassed or awkward about discussing underoo preferences with me at all. Most of our time together is spent hanging out and discussing things like what that weird smell in the kitchen that we can’t locate the source of might be.
I am telling you these things because I want to deromanticize what a long term relationship looks like. When you get into them you have to imagine hanging out with that person for however long you expect the relationship to go. And not the romanticized, squishy-feelings version of them in your head. The version that really exists. The version that leaves random garbage around the apartment and hogs the sheets (both are bad habits of mine - I want to clarify, not of my partner’s). To have ANY (friend/romantic/family) relationship that long with ANYONE the relationship must be founded in frankness and honesty and trust. If you start the relationship on false pretenses, or don’t legitly want to be friends with that person relationship or no relationship then your relationship is going to blow up spectacularly.
7) If you’re not interested in long term relationships then holy fuck do things get easier. You can drop your standards to things like ‘doesn’t carry any diseases I don’t want to catch’ or ‘is fun to go to the movies with’ or ‘kisses pretty good’. There are lots of people out there who are not looking to settle down who just want to have a good time partying (with whatever your definition of partying might be) with a likeminded individual and cuddling and kissing.
(I also want to mention DO NOT COUNT ON THIS but sometimes these for fun quick hookups end up invoking deeper emotions and an all too common How We Got Together story I’ve heard is We Had This Incredible One Night Together Where We Ate Pizza And Laughed Ourselves Sick At MST3K And Then Made Out For Three Hours And Though We Just Intended It To Be A One Night Thing We’ve Been Together 7 Years And Now Own A House. I’m not PROMISING that will happen but putting yourself in situations where it COULD happen means that the likelihood of it happening goes up.
If you want to get in situations where it’s going to happen learn to go to situations where you can meet hookups, and then ask them out. No tricks. Just be like “Hey do you want to come over and eat pizza and watch MST3K and make out?”)
Wow this went on longer than I intended.
Edited to correct a typo. Did you know when you write a super long post sometimes tumblr slows down so bad it becomes hard to scroll and then if you’re like me you’re like “bah” and just hit submit anyway? What is proofreading???
Edited again to fix a bit where I’d forgotten a sentence and to link to The Ferrett’s blog.
As someone who’s been rather frustrated at zero luck getting anyone to date me (albeit as a woman, which society craps on and treats as a loser even more than a guy who can’t get a date, but anyhoo), there’s just zero useful non-crappy advice out there for folks like us. It’s either PUA/”The Rules” sort of poisonous junk, laughing at you for being a loser, or “just be yourself and pray you win the cosmic lottery of finding the only person who could possibly like you as you are, before you die”.
There’d be a great untapped market for anyone who can give surefire tips on how to turn yourself from terminally single to successful in finding love without said tips being creepy or degrading to either yourself or the sex you’re pursuing.
Hi thar! Found you via Coelasquid’s blog and this is something I have a LOT OF FEELS on because for a long time I was Very Single and then I wasn’t but was still convinced that I would be Forever Alone regardless of any evidence to the contrary, then after a lot of soul searching and reading and thinking I came to my Dating Philosophy. Because of my life circumstances now it’s largely worthless to me and I itch to pass it on… Because it feels like I finally felt out how to play a level of a game only to have the Random Number Generator toss me a “win condition” early on and move me to the next level.
1) If you are not yet ‘legal’ in your country and somehow you’re not getting dates? Especially if all your friends are older than you? Do not sweat it. It’s very hard to build a love life when the very law frowns on you doing so. IF YOU ARE ‘LEGAL’ then this obviously is irrelevant. But I want to mention it because in general I see a lot of people bemoaning how they didn’t have a teenage lovelife and how this has doomed them forever. It hasn’t. Seriously. Don’t sweat it.
2) Do not wait on people to ask you out. I know, I know. Us girl-gendered folk get told that we are man-hating harpy-sluts if we initiate romantic contact. Ignore that. It’ll be hard. But anyone who believes that crap 100% is not worth dating.
3) Get used to rejection. It’s going to happen. Be prepared for it.
4) Do not put all your dating eggs in one basket. What I mean by this is totally ask out people who do not seem like one’s Perfect Idea Of a Life Partner. Like, don’t ask out people you are 0% attracted to at all, or who seem like boundary violating creep lizards. But be willing to take the risk of having a date where you don’t connect. One date doesn’t equal a commitment to that person for the rest of your life.
Basically, initiate contact with people in a dating friendly environment out like crazy (OKCupid or other internet sites are great for this) and if they don’t seem like creep lizards go on dates with them! Do this with the long term goal of building up your dating skillz and sense of Who People Are Romantically Viable For You and the short term goal of having fun, meeting new people, and seeing what happens when you do.
It’s OK to get emotionally invested in a relationship early on. But if you do, examine WHY you are doing so. Are you doing it because OMG THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE EVER AHH SOMEONE FINALLY IS INTERESTED!!!111one or are you doing it because you are legitly into the person and they are into you and you are in that cloud of new relationship energy?
Don’t invest too hard in either one person being That Perfect Person or in the IDEA of what a perfect person MUST have. Some things like being able to respect boundaries, being able to respect you, being able to understand what ‘no’ means are basic things you should expect of every partner. And there will be a Dealbreaker class of incompatibility — like, if they want kids but you don’t or vice versa. But there are going to be degrees of incompatibility that are less important. Decide what your dealbreakers are going to be and stick by them — but also DON’T have this imaginary character of A Perfect Person in your head you are comparing each potential partner to.
5) How To Ask People Out:
My confession: I’ve only asked a person out in person once. It was confusing, messy, and he didn’t get that I actually wanted to date until after a few weeks of what I considered dating I spelled out for him in no uncertain terms that I A) was attracted to him and wanted to get sexy with him and B) was emotionally attracted to him and got squishy feelings when he was around and C) if we kept doing what we were doing eventually A and B would intersect and intertwine.
It was messy, and there were a bunch of points where it could have fallen through or been given up on in the beginning. But it worked out. We’re still together. Engaged even.
Every other time I’ve asked someone out it was online. Either initiating an LDR or getting someone to go on a date from OKcupid. The Initiating Internet LDRs was pretty straightforward. Talk to someone online. Develop a crush. Tell them about it. See how they respond ???.
In most cases regarding the OKCupid dates the folks in question were chomping at the bit to meet me after I had talked to them online (via IM, Facebook, OKcupid’s messaging system) for a few days. I will note that only a few people of the people I talked to on there got to meet me in person — I have a lot of paranoia regarding creep lizards — and EVERY time they did without exception they were always one degree removed from my friendsgroup. Like, on facebook they’d be mutual friends with someone in that friends group, or someone I knew peripherally from the group. There was always a chance I could have met them through just going to parties enough. It was weird.
So the way you ask someone out is to just do it. It always involves some degree of emotional vulnerability and rejection is always gonna sting some. Either being in a relationship is worth the sting or its not worth the sting.
What I mean by just do it is just arrange the words as best as you can and communicate your intentions. I’ve always been blunt as a 50 pound stone club. It hasn’t always worked. But it’s worked enough.
6) How to meet people to ask out:
Coelasquid’s advice to just go and do things that are fun for you and work on self actualization is good here. Be doing that. While you’re doing it, don’t focus too much on dating the people around you. If you end up with a Megacrush on someone that’s at one of these things then that’s different. If you end up with a Megacrush then by all means confess your feelings and see what happens. What I’m getting at here, is don’t approach every situation in your life with the outlook of Who Is Dateable Here.
BUT while you do things that help you self actualize and build yourself up by all means go to places where there are other single people specifically looking to date and… well… see what’s going on there. Use that as an outlet to fuel your I Want A Partner energy at. People will usually be much more receptive to it in the appropriate venue.
I hope this is helpful in some way and it isn’t too weird for an Internet Stranger to just gush this out. Also: If you want more reading Captain Awkward’s website has a lot of great advice on this subject. Both the advice from columnists and the discussion in the comments is really valuable.
EDITED to correct a coupla typos and finish a sentence I hadn’t realized I’d left unfinished. Whoops.
Since it’s summer and this mindset begins to pop up more, let us clarify something.
Girls being upset over being seen in bra/panties but not bikinis is not a double standard.
If she’s in a bikini, it’s what she consciously chose to wear and be seen in, in a public space, and like any outfit she was prepared to be seen in it by other people.
If you’ve caught a girl in her underwear, however, you’re probably trespassing in her bedroom, bathroom, or other personal space, where she should be in privacy, and she has every right to be upset if that privacy is violated.
It’s not about what she’s wearing or what it is covering, but rather her privacy and consent to be seen in the first place. Please respect that.
It’s also the fact that her preparedness to be seen in a bikini may have extended to actual physical preparatory steps that she may have taken in order to be comfortable being so physically visible, like skincare or hair removal.
And the fact that underwear is not really designed to be outerwear and is often far more transparent than swimwear.
Also maybe this is just me but my underoos are not always in the best shape. For instance: generally I only stop wearing bras when they either lose an underwire or stop fitting all together. This has lead to more than a few frankenbras. Like, a couple of years ago I had this one bra that a strap broke on and I literally wore it for like 6 months after that with a safety pin holding the frayed strap in place.
And I know that I’m not the only one who keeps beat up, discolored/faded underwear around for when I’m on my period. I’m not going to waste a brand new still lookin’ good pair on days when there’s a high chance of my underwear getting permanently stained. I got this idea from hearing other girls talk about their less-than-awesome period underwear.
Guys. Think about how embarrassed you’d be if you were caught in a pair of your ratty, hole filled stained boxers which your junk is hanging out one leg of as opposed to a pair of swim trunks. It’s exactly the same thing.
lobster print pizza pocket
Magenta Triscuits?????? o_o
light blue stripey cheese wedge thingy
the black rib \m/
grey chicken :(
Pink Leopard Cheesecake
Pink and White Chocolate Chip Cookies
NONE Ham & Cheese Sammich!!
White Teriyaki Combo Plate
Grey Pot Noodle.
My starship is getting searched for drugs all the time.
Pink Flower Mango Mochi
It is staffed by the most goshdarn kawaii group of cadets in starfleet.
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse.
after constant updates of just how far down the rabbit hole this goes
i don’t think we can say “it couldn’t get any worse” anymore
because whenever we do
this is the biggest fuck you to gamers since … actually i can’t think of anything comparable
So which company hired a mad scientist using mind control rays to bring down X Box?
This is basically the best possible advertising for the PS4, so my working theory is that the XBoxOne team is actually Sony sleeper agents. Because if that’s true, this is going exactly to plan-in a weirdly Manchurian Candidate/Trojan Horse way.
Someone get the Queen of Diamonds card away from Don Mattrick.
not surprising, but real.
This just makes me tilt my head a little, because do people not realise that this is also the case for Steam? If you are banned from Steam, your library there is also lost. I’m not sure if it’s the same thing for other platforms like Desura, but I would assume so. There’s a lot of things I would pick on the Xbox One for, but this seems pretty standard.
but steam is an online gaming thing? this seems egregious when so many titles will have to be linked to the online system
Steam is an online distribution system. It is the way many people get computer games but it is not the ONLY way to get computer games. For most of the games on there I can still buy them direct from the their developers and direct download through them. (or you know, buy a CD all old school).
The exception, of course, is Valve games — which if i remember correctly — now require Steam to play (since Steam is developed by Valve).
The thing that makes the Xbox different from Steam is that if I get banned from Xbox I essentially lose all functionality for that console. My investment is now a super expensive blu-ray player. However, if I get banned from Steam I lose access to my Steam library and to Steam… but I still have use of my gaming PC, and can still buy new games for it. I also can choose to avoid Steam completely in the first place and participate in PC gaming. It’s harder, and you’ll miss a few titles, but 100% possible. With X-box if you buy their console you have to opt in to their system. No choice.
So I’m still playing through Mass Effect. Just haven’t felt much like writing about my experiences with it. I mean, I’ve been having thoughts but I usually just announce them to my fiance and provide him with a rant on The Asari Are Such A Gross Fantasy Uhg or Why No One Wants To Drive In The Mako With My Shepard (“The mako is like a cat,” she whispered over the screams of her colleagues as she gunned the engines and soared out into the abyss of the chasm, “always lands on her feet.”)
But. I want to comment on the Rapey Jungle Cult in Mass Effect 2.
TW: Rapey Jungle Cult. It is exactly what it says on the tin.
In ME2 there is a loyalty mission for one of the crew members that ends up, without warning, being about a Rapey Jungle Cult. This is exactly what it fucking sounds like. If you don’t want more spoilers stop now. But I’m making this post because in all the ME stuff I’ve seen cross my dash, all the discussions about bioware fucking up, all of the spoilers I’ve inadvertently consumed somehow no one warned me that one of the loyalty missions would be about a Rapey Jungle Cult.
It’s Jacob’s loyalty mission. He finds out his father survived a crash on a jungle planet. When you get there you find out that daddy’s been using Space Roofie Fruit to drug out the entire crew except for one other dude and killing and exiling the men and dividing up the women “like pets”. They’ve also got the people eating the SRF to build these cult-implying quasi-religious statues out of bits of ship parts.
There’s a super disturbing bit of ‘officer’s log’ where t’other dude who was fruit-free talks about how he’s been raping a woman who was out of her mind on the fruit. He’s rationalizing that it can’t be bad to sleep with her now that she doesn’t have full control of herself even though she had explicitly said no to him in the past and had been threatening to report him over his sexual harassment of her. Turns out that Jacob’s Dad ended up killing this dude before you got there.
It was triggering. I finished it — I needed some closure and to see the bad character who had created the Rapey Jungle Cult get put away behind bars — but the entire time it was a Super Upsetting Experience.
I could comment on the racist undertones to the mission (Jacob is black, as is his dad. It’s really skeevy that they’d choose to give a black dude the Dad Is Leader Of A Rapey Jungle Cult backstory). I could comment on how gross it is that Shep gets an email from one of the women in the cult after the fact thanking them from saving the woman from her decade of rape and mind altering drugs (It really pissed me off that someone’s rape and drugging is turned into a feelgood savior story for Shep - a character that the majority of players play as male. It’s like something put in for dudes to be ‘good’ about and then get Not A Rapist cookies for. The rape story is not about the women being raped — it’s about the man who raped them and the person (likely a man, and obviously written as if it were a man) who saves them from their lives.)
But I’m not making a huge post on that here. Just briefly addressing those two points above. Here I’m just going to quietly rage that the game provides you no warning before you go into this. No hints. One of the first things you run in to that lets you know you’re gonna get a Rapey Jungle Cult story? Is the officer’s log where he talks about raping a woman and justifies it to himself. Which was the most triggering thing for me about the whole story.
This is a warning for the folks who haven’t played the game.
Jacob’s loyalty mission involves HEAVY rape themes. It is gross to the max.
That is all.
Last night, the Obama Administration dropped their appeal to increase age and point of sale restrictions on emergency contraception! This safe and effective form of birth control will now be made available on store shelves, just like condoms, and people of all ages will be able to get it quickly in order to prevent unintended pregnancy.
This is a huge breakthrough for access to birth control and a historic moment for reproductive health and equity. Reblog to spread the good news!
Don’t forget to print out your $10-off coupon for Plan B One-Step, good at any retail pharmacy!
yooo i’m here to talk about:
how shyness and social anxiety can be narcissistic/selfish and how compassion for others can help you work through it
because food for thought is good and maybe someone will take something helpful away from this. also i just reblogged a post about this and it’s been on my mind for weeks so i took this as a sign to finally write about it. this is going to be a disorganized stream of consciousness. buckle up.
we have all seen posts on tumblr about being anxious in public (and anxious in general, really). it feels like a gosh darn epidemic at this point. i was talking to my mom about this a few weeks back, explaining the content of the posts i’d seen, whether they were in the form of a text post, comic, etc. all of them raise concerns regarding how one is dressed, or acting, or talking, or not talking, or how their hair looks, or how long it’s taking them to get money from their wallet, or how they tripped on the curb. everyone constantly feels judged by the complete strangers around them. my mom’s first question was, “why do they assume everyone is thinking about them?” and at that moment i realized how selfish it was. the average person on the street, in the middle of their own very busy life, doesn’t care about how you’re dressed, or how you’re talking, or whatever. you’re not constantly in the spotlight. it’s not all about you. so just take a breath and calm the heck down, ok?
and, on top of that, who cares if someone does take notice? it’s a fleeting thought. they look at you, notice something, maybe pass judgement, and it’s done. it’s over. they’ve already moved on. they’re walking down the street. goodbye friends they’re gone. you can move on too. their judgement has zero effect on you unless you let it. do you even respect and value their opinion and judgement? do you even know them? ask those questions. be logical. channel your inner Spock. if someone is enough of a dingleberry to judge you based on some irrelevant, petty aspect of your appearance, for example, then they sure as heck aren’t worth listening to. they’re trolls in the flesh. don’t feed them. just laugh. shrug. who cares? skip away.
Bro, I wish beyond all wishes that my anxiety disorder worked like this. But it doesn’t. :( It’s free floating anxiety — which means it isn’t CAUSED by anything but my borked up head. Because humans are logical beings my brain will try and latch reasons on to the crippling feelings of terror and panic, but, really, they’re usually being caused by a borked brain trying to deal with mega huge issues in my life. For example, earlier this year I was having trouble leaving my apartment alone because I was anxious about getting married.
Which makes about as much sense on the surface as saying too much green will make water melt. But, for serious that was what was going on. My family was all up my butt about stupid wedding shit and my constant low-level anxiety ballooned up and became unmanageable and things that normally would cause either no fear, or a little fear, became these terror filled monumental tasks that required infinite effort to go through with.
An anxiety disorder is called that because it’s a disorder.
I’m 24 now. I’ve had this disorder at the level it’s at now for like 11 years. Most of the time I can manage it cool beans! I’m really functional! I’ve had friends! I know not everyone thinks about me 24/7 (with the exception of maybe my lurvely fiance who is the least scary human being in the known universe to me)! But like sometimes if I’m unmedicated, and the various life pressures add up and I can’t do all the coping mechanisms that I know how to do (I’m normally rad as shit at coping)… well. Things get ugly.
And I know a lot of people with anxiety disorders are like me!
The inner Spock thing kinda rubbed me the wrong way because trying to cure anxiety with logic is like… Well like, I’ve had this leg infection for over a month now. It’s awful and put me in the hospital and is evidently made up of highlander bacteria and it’s like trying to cure that with some neosporin you picked up at the walmart.
Because at least with an anxiety disorder like mine the MOMENT YOU RESOLVE ONE PROBLEM IN YOUR HEAD the anxiety disorder latches on to another. That’s why it’s free floating! It’s probably being caused (at least for me, and probably for other people) by big legitly bad events bearing down on a person with a brain that can’t produce the right hormones to cope with them. Everyone had big legitly bad events in their life. Right now I’m dealing with a leg infection that won’t die/a wedding in 6 months/a thesis I get a make-me-want-to-throw-up-heart-racing acute anxiety attack every time I try and do anything with it/income issues/medical bills/my fiance’s mom having a brain tumor/my fiance trying to deal with his mom having a brain tumor etc etc etc. And I am not unique nor do I particularly desire the pity points! I’m just pointing out — the anxiety I feel when I can’t talk to people in public has very little to do with my social skills, and more to do with the constant levels of fear regarding the things above, even when I’ve managed to push the things out of my mind.
Since I’ve had 11 years of this stuff I know when I’m getting bad and I’m getting better about going for help earlier. Right now I’m getting medicated. It’s pretty awesome because it helps with the chronic low levels of anxiety and lets me see I’m a boss at things I’m a boss at. But right now I’m still tweaking the dosage so I’m still getting really overpowering anxiety attacks when i think about things like my thesis or money or some really bad friend falling outs that went down a year ago.
Not everyone has access to the drugs or therapy though! They both help in different ways in my experience. So when people vent about their anxiety I can see they are struggling but I’ve BEEN there.
In a way having a mental disorder like an anxiety disorder is like having a reality detection disorder. I know NOW that it’s big overarching crapfests that make my anxiety considerably harder to manage. I didn’t know that at 16. I know NOW a bunch of meditation and reasoning techniques and self-monitoring techniques that I can use to monitor my condition and treat it. I didn’t have those skills at 16 — and even if I did it wouldn’t matter because then I didn’t know my reality detector was broken and the unreal things caused by my borked brain seemed 100% real as fuck. I legitimately thought all those bad things were gonna happen! And that I deserved them! It was super mega awful.
Thankfully now I know my brain is really good at feeding me nonsense. It doesn’t make the nonsense any less crippling, but it has improved my self esteem and allowed me to have healthier relationships. Basically, I still get stressed as flip over things I shouldn’t be stressed about (THANKS jerkbrain) but I know that ultimately in the long run I’ll probably be OK and I’m a generally OK person and parts of my life are super rad and that my brain is just feeding me BS.
But it’s like having a demon on your shoulder you cannot shut up constantly telling you awful things. And even if you don’t believe it any more, it’s stressful just to hear awful things and sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s real and what the demon is saying. And stress really does screw up your system! And days and days of that really wears.
I’d 100% recommend people look up anxiety management techniques, but, man, when it gets bad the only thing I’ve had good results with is medication. Like, the medication doesn’t completely shut up the demon but it makes it shut it’s pie hole for hours at a time, and the rest of the time makes it so it has to speak to you in a whisper or speak through a towel or something. And then you can spend time doing normal tasks and building up coping skills so that you can punch the demon a bunch and even if you can’t make it go away you can weaken it. Then maybe you don’t need the drugs so much. But then maybe bad things happen and feed the demon and it gets bigger — maybe bigger than it was before and even your awesome new skills and support system can’t do it in.
But, man, it’s not a logical demon. You fight it with logic and it’ll just giggle and find a new subject to latch on to. You convince it that not everyone in the universe is concerned about how you look and it’ll just start telling you how that zit on your back is seekritly cancer. You tell it that’s nonsense and it’ll tell you that you forgot to lock the door at home before you left and now burglars have taken all your stuff. I mean, it can come up with infinite fucking things to be anxious over. It’s kind of a hydra cut-off-one-head-two-more-pop-up thing.
Still sick, but, this latest round of antibiotics has done enough that the massive swelling has slowed way down and I’m managing the pain a lot better.
R’s mom is still sick. It wasn’t a stroke, it turns out. She has a brain tumor that’s been growing for like, 10 years. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We don’t know if we can have the wedding this winter. R is of course emotionally out at sea at this point.
I’ve taken time off of work to deal with things. It’s exhausting around here. R’s mom’s house is dirtier than anyone had realized it was (including R who lived with her for ~8 years before moving in with me). Like. Can’t go in without a surgeon’s mask and can’t touch stuff without gloves on dirty.
The zoloft seems to be working on the chronic low grade anxiety, but the acute anxiety attacks are still happening. So, most of the time I am better but certain topics will act as a trigger and I’ll have an anxiety attack.
I’ve made no progress on my thesis in 3 weeks. I emailed my thesis chair a while back explaining that it’s hard for me to spend long periods on the computer right now… where I do my research, coding, and writing. Now that the swelling is under control I’ll hopefully be able to get on it once we’ve got the situation with R’s mom under control.
I’m so tired.
We had some chocolate cake earlier. With cheesecake in the middle. It helped some.
Black people better be SWAGGED THE FUCK OUT WITH ALL THE FUTURISTIC SHIT.
NONE OF THAT BULLSHIT STARVING AFRICAN SHIT
We better be represented in ALL COLORS, with EMPHASIS ON THE DARK SKIN, DARKER THAN A BROWN PAPER BAG, DARK AS OBSIDIAN BLACKNESS.
ALL BODY SIZES
And T’Challa betta be makin Tony Stark look broke.
shut up and take my money
so much fuck out of this i would watch
*gets in line at the box office*
T’CHALLA. PRINCE OF MY HEART. GOD I WANT TO SEE HIM DONE WELL. LIKE THIS. THIS WOULD BE GOOD.